And in this moment I swear we were infinite

Fantastic Friday, Full Moon, 31st of August 2012

4:46pm

Star Girl is antsy! Maybe its the full moon, or the wind howling past her second story apartment window. MAYBE its the fact that something AMAZING happened yesterday and Star Girl is still reeling from it?! Star Girl stepped out her front door yesterday and decided to do something other than hugging a bottle of wine and a book. Ok, stepping out the front door was NOT the amazing part. Star Girl does not suffer from agoraphobia, although she has her moments of social anxiety and/or awkwardness. No, Star Girl ventured out to a bookstore with one of her Best Friends, lets call her Brittany Booty-Bear. Please, let me warn you: Star Girl has an affinity for calling her loved ones terms of endearment that end with -bear. Such fuzzy, cute, cuddly creatures when shrunken to a miniature size, plush with cotton stuffing and sewn in Bambi-sized eyes. The word Bear turns into a term which symbolizes such affections. Anyways, Star Girl has digressed and gone to the Moon (it is brimming on this fine Friday after all), so let us come back down together and begin where we left off. Ah, yes. The journey of less than a hundred miles began with a single step out her front door. Actually, it really began last month, when Brittany Booty-Bear read the very book Star Girl got her name from: Star Girl  by Jerry Spinelli. Star Girl had passed on her ragged, dog eared copy with the solemnity of passing along a family heirloom; it was a soul heirloom, and the book, she advised, must be read with the openness of a child, and in it you will discover some very innate essences of life. Brittany Booty Bear completed the task, and with teary eyes handed Star Girl a piece of her soul in return: Her own ragged, dog-eared copy of her FAVORITE BOOK EVER. Ever? Star Girl gasped. Ever, Ever, Ever! exclaimed Brittany Booty Bear. Star Girl's eyes fell upon its simplistic cover, and read the title. She had heard of this book before. Yes, she certainly had, and she always knew she would read if only for its absolutely amazing title which she bonded to immediately. The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Star Girl nodded her head at her friend, and promised she would read her friends favorite book ever, ever, EVER. And so, Star Girl found herself 24 hours later, her face burning red as it always does when she is balls deep in a selfish fit of crying, high off the catharsis of a good, heavy sob fest. Shaking she reaches for her phone, and in this day in age, while it sounds much less romantic, Star Girl texts rather tha calls her friend Brittany Booty Bear. "OMG I just want to let you know I finished the book, and I am still crying. That was one of the best books I have ever read and I am thankful you shared it with me" Star Girl's friend responded with rapid fire, and so began the texts ping ponging back discussing the book at length. "And in this moment I swear we were infinite" they both agreed that was the best quote of the book, encapsulating those fleeting nights driving in cars with friends and listening to music, with no where to go.
8/30/2012: Star Girl and Brittany Booty Bear had somewhere to go today. Star Girl had been told by a literature teacher that Stephen Chbosky THE FREAKIN' AUTHOR of The Perks of Being a Wallflower was going to be doing a book signing at Changing Hands Bookstore. Brittany Booty Bear was still down in the dumps over an awful birthday party the weekend before, broken glass, uninvited guests, an anxiety attack- it was anything but a Happy Birthday. Star Girl told her friend, "PERK UP! I bought you and I a hardback copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower which is OUR tickets to a book signing with mr. you-know-who!" Star Girl was practically choked out by her friends embrace, which had thrown itself around her neck. 
So There they stood. Star Girl and Brittany Booty Bear, jittery and agitated standing in line waiting to meet the penman of their holy bible. Agitated because they had to stand in line listening to some stuck up broad going off about how great her life was, how anyone who read genre fiction was a retard, and how it sounded oh-so cliche but she might just finish her masters at Cambridge once she left this godforsaken lousy example of state called ARIZONA. You know, your typical academic snob. Star Girl and Brittany Booty Bear rolled their eyes and edged their way towards the front of the line. 
THE PAY OFF. There he sat, in all his glory, looking well, rather normal. But the nervousness did not wear off. Star Girls hands were shaking. Mr. Chbosky was boisterous and friendly. "Look at these style ladies!" He said as we approached him. We could not believe it! Star Girl did not like to admit her narcissistic obsession with carefully crafting together her thrifted finds. She was an amateur seamstress. Her friend was wearing one of her dresses! The compliment made them giggle like school girls. The banter went on for a few minutes- oh, how the girls wished it could last an eternity. Star Girl and Brittany Booty Bear had mouths like sailors, which Mr. Chbosky found thoroughly amusing. In Star Girl's booked he scribed: "Callista, (Star Girl will only disclose this name once!) Great Fucking Style! I'm Sorry.- Stephen Chbosky. (Sorry For the Curse word? Wondered Star girl, or the compliment?)In Brittany Booty Bear's book he scribed, "Brittany: You are Fucking Infinite-Stephen Chbosky" The word infinite was of course in reference to the two friends favorite quote in the book, "And in this moment I swear we were infinite."

And I swear, in that moment, and for the rest of the night, as Star Girl and Brittany Booty Bear rode around town in a beat up car looking for a hole in the wall bar to share a good beer, they really did feel infinite.       

Star Girl/drawings of a constellation

August 24th 2012: Friday, 10:04pm 

The world is Star Girl's oyster, if only she could find her pearl. A pretty pearl to captivate her and remind her she has her place in this big, scary world. Star Girl likes a pseudonym. Some day's she likes to wear false eyelashes and wigs and costumes. Other days she pulls the hooded sweater from her closet and wear's her hair down to cover her face-is Star Girl's hair white blonde? Lavender? Or an artificial shade of brazen red this month? Star Girl enjoys changing persona's as much as she likes changing her outfits. She thought maybe one day she would be a fashion designer, the next day a rock star whore in the vein of Courtney Love. She dreams of writing, directing, (and sometimes appearing) in a C-level horror film with her friends. 

Star Girl sleeps to dream. When dreams don't come so easily and the witching hour has crept along with the night shadows, she pours over the photographs of Irina Ionesco and Francesca Woodman, tilting her head to the side with eyes closed-imagining herself as their subject to pose and prop like a doll. If only she could be a muse or find a muse. Other times, Star Girl thinks it would be fun to have her own Arts and Crafts blog, and write super cheerful, artificial musings on how fabulous her dinner parties are and how all her friends and family simply adored their handmade rag rugs for Christmas. 

Star Girl feels ashamed and sad for the world when she finds herself piddling away hours on fashion blogs, wishing she was ten pounds more thinner so she could be that stick thin girl in the photos, posing in her fashion forward outfits.Then Star Girl remembers she was that girl, the sick girl. Sometimes Star Girl misses those days, and thinks she had found her pearl, when she lost her menstrual cycle and grew fur on her face. Don't ever let your thighs touch together, remembers Star Girl as she tries to avoid looking at those jiggly thighs bouncy with nervousness underneath her desk. She bites her lip and tries not to be angry with herself today.

 Star Girl must make a promise, she will try everything at least once. Star Girl will document these attempts in this blog, whether failed, successful, or consistent. She will pick up a guitar, a pen, and camera. She will paint, she will read, she will ace her Algebra test. She won't be perfect, and this can extremely upsetting. Perhaps she can find catharsis in reminding herself with these daily and weekly postings she is only human and she has tried her best. Star Girl will keep looking for the pearl to her oyster.